The past few days has been a growing nightmare for me. Each day feels worse than the day before..

Today feels like the worst of all days. I feel like I'm gonna crack and collapse and cry. I'm such a loser. School's only started a week and I can't cope. It's rubbish. I've got dance every night now and I ain't got the time to study or prepare for my next lesson. It's exceptionally bad in the past 2 days because of the lecturer visit, which means that I've got 1 lesson everyday. Which also means that preparation for the next class is almost impossible because dance takes my the entire night.

Talking about dance. Today's rehearsal is going to be a drag. It's the NUS one. I realised a while back that going for SA rehearsals are ten thousand times more enjoyable and way easier to get myself to compared to NUS rehearsal. And guess what? I've got NUS rehearsals once a week compared to 4 times a week for SA. *sigh* and even now,with school and added workload,SA rehearsals are no longer fun. It's beginning to become a drag too.

Or maybe (which is quite possibly) I'm just going through a phase. One of those annoying phases that I get all the time. Where it's part of a whole vicious cycle. First,I feel happy and accomplished and at the same time, I feel great about myself and feel like nothing can bring me down. Then,I start losing that confidence. I start becoming self-conscious. What people think start to matter. I don't do things for myself. I do things to please others or because others tell me to. And at last,I feel like complete crap. I resign to my fate. I allow myself to feel like crap. I'm convinced that there's no solution. I criticise myself all the time. And I feel like crying all the time!!! I'm at the stage where I want to wear black all the time (that's what I'm wearing now by the way).

I want to have a balance of dance and school and work. Because right now,I've got too much dance. And I'm trying to balance all those and I can't. And I'm getting fucking pissed with myself for being so incompetent and pissed at everyone and everything else that adds to my misery.

That's it.. I feel fucking incompetent..

5:53 PM