This is the first week I gave myself social activities after work. I met up with Wei Qin, Clara and Hui Yi for dinner on Tuesday, went for a jog in NUS with the Garlic and met Hui for the Topshop party on Thursday. I had a great time on all those days!
And then I had 2 accomplishments. First, I gave a presentation to my MD, which I only had 15mins to prepare. And I lead the first 10mins of a meeting with a group of SMU students who needed our help. Both went really well, of course, it wasn't perfect, but I was praised by my MD and colleagues, which is always a good thing.
But my week still ended badly and I'm in a mess now. I've been thinking a lot, too much for my own good. My job is starting to make me doubt myself. I'm not confused about my job scope, but I do realise I have tons of things to learn and I'm slowly losing my strength to fight.
I'm struggling to learn the trick of the trade. I'm learning to improve myself, learning to deal with my boss, learning to interact with the other departments, trying to pick out red tapes, figuring out the DOs and DON'Ts, trying to be more alert and observant. And I'm doing all of that at once. It gets overwhelming, especially because this is my very first job and I don't have any point of reference.
I've been told that I'm deproving and falling behind and it's confusing because I don't think I have and I'm not sure why I seem to be giving people that impression. My colleagues told me I have improved over the last two and a half months, but I'm being told otherwise, which makes everything even more confusing. Who do I believe?
My job seems to be challenging the very person I am and there are some job requirements that seem to be against my beliefs. I'm trying not to give in to peer pressure and doing things that are out of my character just because my job 'requires' it. But I find myself tempted to succumb to it. It frustrates me because I see it as I'm not standing my ground.
I also realise that I've been second guessing and doubting myself. I seem very easily swayed by people's comments. If people say I need to be 'whacked' in order not to be slack, I believe them. But in actual fact, I don't think that's true at all.
All of that boils down to the fact that I'm unsure of myself and I'm not standing up for myself. But why am I like that in my work environment? Is it because the environment just isn't suitable for me? Or is it because I'm just not strong enough?
As of right now, I feel that I'm not strong enough to take it all...
