Thursday, July 27, 2006
Its been 2 weeks since my last depressing post. And I'm still depressed/angry/sian. A few things happened over the last couple of weeks. But basically,I've been pissed. Pissed at people,pissed at things and pissed at situations.
This is really really bad. All I wanted to do in class just now was shout and scream 'Fuck! Fuck you all!' Although no one in class has offended me.. Some uncle who delivers snacks to Lecture Theaters said something that was completely unnecessary. Pissed me off like crazy.
And I realised recently why some of the people in my life are only people in my life. Why I don't like being around some people. Why I'm really disappointed in people. Why I'm so critical with some of my 'friends'. Since as long as I can remember,I've had people say or do things that completely disppoints me. And I don't understand why sometimes I even bother to be their friend and talk to them and socialise and laugh when I don't mean to. Sick isn't it?
Met up with some people recently and at the end of the day,I got really sick. Sick as in sick in the stomach because I found out things about them that i wasn't too happy about. Words can't describe how disappointed and disgusted I was. They became like some of the stupid and annoying Singaporeans you find. *sigh*
How can you say the things that you say? Do you not know that it hurts people? How can you make a decision like that without knowing how it reflects your character? And in doing so,piss the fuck out of me. How can you take something like that so lightly? Is is actually funny? Or is it ok? Because I sure as hell don't think it is. You laughed about it. You fucking laughed about it. Some friend you are. Do you even treat me as a friend? One moment you're here and the next,you're not. And I unfortunately have to hear about it from someone else. Why the fuck do I even care? I shouldn't and I don't anymore. Since I'm so insignificant and you can't even tell me personally,then fuck you. I don't need this.
I am just so sick and tired of having to put up with other people's nonsense. I'm so sick of being disappointed in people. It's been like that since secondary school. Maybe that's why I'm so fucking anti-social in school now. I just don't bother. If I don't know people,then there's a greater chance for me to be free from their nonsense. But even then,some people in my class has been able to successfully piss me off even though I don't even talk to them. Brilliant how some people can be.
So basically,that's it about people. I'm generally disappointed in the human population.
This is really really bad. All I wanted to do in class just now was shout and scream 'Fuck! Fuck you all!' Although no one in class has offended me.. Some uncle who delivers snacks to Lecture Theaters said something that was completely unnecessary. Pissed me off like crazy.
And I realised recently why some of the people in my life are only people in my life. Why I don't like being around some people. Why I'm really disappointed in people. Why I'm so critical with some of my 'friends'. Since as long as I can remember,I've had people say or do things that completely disppoints me. And I don't understand why sometimes I even bother to be their friend and talk to them and socialise and laugh when I don't mean to. Sick isn't it?
Met up with some people recently and at the end of the day,I got really sick. Sick as in sick in the stomach because I found out things about them that i wasn't too happy about. Words can't describe how disappointed and disgusted I was. They became like some of the stupid and annoying Singaporeans you find. *sigh*
How can you say the things that you say? Do you not know that it hurts people? How can you make a decision like that without knowing how it reflects your character? And in doing so,piss the fuck out of me. How can you take something like that so lightly? Is is actually funny? Or is it ok? Because I sure as hell don't think it is. You laughed about it. You fucking laughed about it. Some friend you are. Do you even treat me as a friend? One moment you're here and the next,you're not. And I unfortunately have to hear about it from someone else. Why the fuck do I even care? I shouldn't and I don't anymore. Since I'm so insignificant and you can't even tell me personally,then fuck you. I don't need this.
I am just so sick and tired of having to put up with other people's nonsense. I'm so sick of being disappointed in people. It's been like that since secondary school. Maybe that's why I'm so fucking anti-social in school now. I just don't bother. If I don't know people,then there's a greater chance for me to be free from their nonsense. But even then,some people in my class has been able to successfully piss me off even though I don't even talk to them. Brilliant how some people can be.
So basically,that's it about people. I'm generally disappointed in the human population.
~*~
'Hmmm.. I haven't admired the beauty of the night sky in awhile.'
Steps onto the balcony and proceeds to look out into the beautiful night sky.
'Hmmm.. I haven't admired the beauty of the night sky in awhile.'
Steps onto the balcony and proceeds to look out into the beautiful night sky.
'It would be great if I could jump. And be released of all the shit I'm feeling.'
~*~
'Hmmm.. I wonder what it would be like if I don't hold on to the steering wheel and just accelerate. And feel the car go off the road and straight into a tree..'
~*~
'Hmmm.. I wonder what it would be like if I don't hold on to the steering wheel and just accelerate. And feel the car go off the road and straight into a tree..'
~*~
'Hmmm.. I wonder what carbon monoxide poisoning actually feels like.. is it painless?
~*~
'Hmmm.. I wonder what carbon monoxide poisoning actually feels like.. is it painless?
~*~
Fucked up isn't it?
~*~
It's got to get better than this eventually right?
~*~
It's got to get better than this eventually right?
5:22 PM
Friday, July 14, 2006
Awoke to an empty house..
Mood completely destroyed..
And so are my plans to study..
Great. Class is at 2 today and I'm far from being prepared..
Just so you know, I hate waking up to an empty house. It's not the emptiness that pisses me off. It's because no one fucking bothered to tell me that they wouldn't be around. I've already made plans for the day and it involves the help of the person who's suppose to be at home. So all my plans have to change.
Damn.. I should have known.. I should have known not to depend on people..
Damn.. I know how unreliable some people can be..
Damn.. Why didn't I think of that earlier?
*sigh* If I had agreed to go over to Candice's place to stay over,I wouldn't be in such a foul mood. Ohh right.. I didn't go because I wanted to study. And have I? No..
I haven't been this upset and this pissed off in awhile. It got to a point where all I was thinking about was smashing things against the wall. Smashing glass bottles and plates and such. I just wanted to see things destroyed. Destroyed because I wanted them to be destroyed. And I thought about what's going to happen after I do all that. Clean up. Then I gave up on that thought. Funny how I can still reason with myself at a time like that. Amusing in a way.
I'm definitely not going to be prepared for class.. And I'm dead tired.. Yet another great start to another great day.............................................................
Mood completely destroyed..
And so are my plans to study..
Great. Class is at 2 today and I'm far from being prepared..
Just so you know, I hate waking up to an empty house. It's not the emptiness that pisses me off. It's because no one fucking bothered to tell me that they wouldn't be around. I've already made plans for the day and it involves the help of the person who's suppose to be at home. So all my plans have to change.
Damn.. I should have known.. I should have known not to depend on people..
Damn.. I know how unreliable some people can be..
Damn.. Why didn't I think of that earlier?
*sigh* If I had agreed to go over to Candice's place to stay over,I wouldn't be in such a foul mood. Ohh right.. I didn't go because I wanted to study. And have I? No..
I haven't been this upset and this pissed off in awhile. It got to a point where all I was thinking about was smashing things against the wall. Smashing glass bottles and plates and such. I just wanted to see things destroyed. Destroyed because I wanted them to be destroyed. And I thought about what's going to happen after I do all that. Clean up. Then I gave up on that thought. Funny how I can still reason with myself at a time like that. Amusing in a way.
I'm definitely not going to be prepared for class.. And I'm dead tired.. Yet another great start to another great day.............................................................
11:19 AM
Thursday, July 13, 2006
The past few days has been a growing nightmare for me. Each day feels worse than the day before..
Today feels like the worst of all days. I feel like I'm gonna crack and collapse and cry. I'm such a loser. School's only started a week and I can't cope. It's rubbish. I've got dance every night now and I ain't got the time to study or prepare for my next lesson. It's exceptionally bad in the past 2 days because of the lecturer visit, which means that I've got 1 lesson everyday. Which also means that preparation for the next class is almost impossible because dance takes my the entire night.
Talking about dance. Today's rehearsal is going to be a drag. It's the NUS one. I realised a while back that going for SA rehearsals are ten thousand times more enjoyable and way easier to get myself to compared to NUS rehearsal. And guess what? I've got NUS rehearsals once a week compared to 4 times a week for SA. *sigh* and even now,with school and added workload,SA rehearsals are no longer fun. It's beginning to become a drag too.
Or maybe (which is quite possibly) I'm just going through a phase. One of those annoying phases that I get all the time. Where it's part of a whole vicious cycle. First,I feel happy and accomplished and at the same time, I feel great about myself and feel like nothing can bring me down. Then,I start losing that confidence. I start becoming self-conscious. What people think start to matter. I don't do things for myself. I do things to please others or because others tell me to. And at last,I feel like complete crap. I resign to my fate. I allow myself to feel like crap. I'm convinced that there's no solution. I criticise myself all the time. And I feel like crying all the time!!! I'm at the stage where I want to wear black all the time (that's what I'm wearing now by the way).
I want to have a balance of dance and school and work. Because right now,I've got too much dance. And I'm trying to balance all those and I can't. And I'm getting fucking pissed with myself for being so incompetent and pissed at everyone and everything else that adds to my misery.
That's it.. I feel fucking incompetent..
Today feels like the worst of all days. I feel like I'm gonna crack and collapse and cry. I'm such a loser. School's only started a week and I can't cope. It's rubbish. I've got dance every night now and I ain't got the time to study or prepare for my next lesson. It's exceptionally bad in the past 2 days because of the lecturer visit, which means that I've got 1 lesson everyday. Which also means that preparation for the next class is almost impossible because dance takes my the entire night.
Talking about dance. Today's rehearsal is going to be a drag. It's the NUS one. I realised a while back that going for SA rehearsals are ten thousand times more enjoyable and way easier to get myself to compared to NUS rehearsal. And guess what? I've got NUS rehearsals once a week compared to 4 times a week for SA. *sigh* and even now,with school and added workload,SA rehearsals are no longer fun. It's beginning to become a drag too.
Or maybe (which is quite possibly) I'm just going through a phase. One of those annoying phases that I get all the time. Where it's part of a whole vicious cycle. First,I feel happy and accomplished and at the same time, I feel great about myself and feel like nothing can bring me down. Then,I start losing that confidence. I start becoming self-conscious. What people think start to matter. I don't do things for myself. I do things to please others or because others tell me to. And at last,I feel like complete crap. I resign to my fate. I allow myself to feel like crap. I'm convinced that there's no solution. I criticise myself all the time. And I feel like crying all the time!!! I'm at the stage where I want to wear black all the time (that's what I'm wearing now by the way).
I want to have a balance of dance and school and work. Because right now,I've got too much dance. And I'm trying to balance all those and I can't. And I'm getting fucking pissed with myself for being so incompetent and pissed at everyone and everything else that adds to my misery.
That's it.. I feel fucking incompetent..
5:53 PM
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Is the title of my new favourite movie..
As I've described it before,it's about the insanity and the screwed-up-ness of US schools. Really nice show. Kind of tragic and disturbing,but thank goodness,it's got a positive ending. It stars Tom Cavanagh (Ed) and Ben Foster (X-men, aka 'Birdie Boy').
Tom Cavanagh has really gorgeous blue eyes. And Ben Foster's the new found young talent. He's got gorgeous green eyes and he's really good! Reminds me of Ryan Gosling. Got that kind of cool and slightly mysterious vibe. And of course,he's really cute! Yum...
Ooooooo nice picture heh?
So! i like him! He's a good actor... and Celine dearest always tells me :'He's mine! I saw him first!' But! That's not necessarily so! Because we both saw him at the same time on X-Men III! So we're even! We can share! And that's silly! heee!
So anyway,he's made it to my list of Favourite/Good Actors! YAY!
As I've described it before,it's about the insanity and the screwed-up-ness of US schools. Really nice show. Kind of tragic and disturbing,but thank goodness,it's got a positive ending. It stars Tom Cavanagh (Ed) and Ben Foster (X-men, aka 'Birdie Boy').
Tom Cavanagh has really gorgeous blue eyes. And Ben Foster's the new found young talent. He's got gorgeous green eyes and he's really good! Reminds me of Ryan Gosling. Got that kind of cool and slightly mysterious vibe. And of course,he's really cute! Yum...
Ooooooo nice picture heh?
So! i like him! He's a good actor... and Celine dearest always tells me :'He's mine! I saw him first!' But! That's not necessarily so! Because we both saw him at the same time on X-Men III! So we're even! We can share! And that's silly! heee!
So anyway,he's made it to my list of Favourite/Good Actors! YAY!
6:39 PM
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Brandon Routh is damn handsome!! Ohh he is GORGEOUS!!
*Right Hui?! ;)
*Right Hui?! ;)
6:12 PM