Sunday, May 29, 2005
So Pretty!! I actually saw it!! :)
i hope u guys can see it! ok.. e pic one e left,is a rainbow IN a cloud! not e usual semi-circular one tt 'touches' e ground! so its like a rainbow coloured cloud! very pretty! e one on e right,is a rainbow ring arnd e sun! yes! around e sun!! YES YES!! gorgeous gorgeous!! BUT!! so far,nothing beats auroras! which i have yet to see!!! HEH!!
10:27 PM
Friday, May 27, 2005
since i last blogged! :)
~*~
since i last saw my girlfrens! met up with szuharn,nad and kaien! AND nad's sisters! it was nice! we had lunch and a nice session! seriously! i havent seen them in damn long!! went shopping shopping tooo!! :)
ohh and i saw steven lim.. yes! e utter disgrace to s'pore who deserves to be shot a thousand times over! JeeeZZzzz!! came up to me and my frens and started sprouting things.. -_- all i could make out was: today is Vesak Day.. help me.. $5 per hr.. im like 'WAT?!' i didnt say tt lah! BUT i stuck my hand out in his face and walked off w/o looking at him.. ARSES like tt DO NOT deserve my attention... and i wanted to tell him : btw,its NOT vesak day today.. tt was yesterday! today's a holiday coz it fell on a sun!! u nincompoop!!! but of course i didnt! like i said,he DOES NOT deserve my attention! go eat shit and die!! or like drown urself in e sea!! he's such a waste of space on earth!! like as if s'pore's not small enough! we've got no more room for an idiot like u!!
i've been dancing for e past 2 days or so!! preparing for our concert this yr!! WOW!! feels goood!! i can dance for e rest of my life!! i havent danced in soooooo damn long!! although im damn tired! as in my legs r hurting!! but i still feel happy!! hehehe! :) WHeeeeee!!!
ohhh i realised tt i LOVE 2 main songs now! i can play these 2 song on repeat mode and i wont mind!! its hoobastank - up and gone! e acoustic version! and delta goodrem - out of the blue!! its sooooo pretty!! why dun they play their mtv?!?! i've never exactly loved a song to this extent! its exciting!! :)
since i last saw my girlfrens! met up with szuharn,nad and kaien! AND nad's sisters! it was nice! we had lunch and a nice session! seriously! i havent seen them in damn long!! went shopping shopping tooo!! :)
ohh and i saw steven lim.. yes! e utter disgrace to s'pore who deserves to be shot a thousand times over! JeeeZZzzz!! came up to me and my frens and started sprouting things.. -_- all i could make out was: today is Vesak Day.. help me.. $5 per hr.. im like 'WAT?!' i didnt say tt lah! BUT i stuck my hand out in his face and walked off w/o looking at him.. ARSES like tt DO NOT deserve my attention... and i wanted to tell him : btw,its NOT vesak day today.. tt was yesterday! today's a holiday coz it fell on a sun!! u nincompoop!!! but of course i didnt! like i said,he DOES NOT deserve my attention! go eat shit and die!! or like drown urself in e sea!! he's such a waste of space on earth!! like as if s'pore's not small enough! we've got no more room for an idiot like u!!
~*~
i've been dancing for e past 2 days or so!! preparing for our concert this yr!! WOW!! feels goood!! i can dance for e rest of my life!! i havent danced in soooooo damn long!! although im damn tired! as in my legs r hurting!! but i still feel happy!! hehehe! :) WHeeeeee!!!
~*~
ohhh i realised tt i LOVE 2 main songs now! i can play these 2 song on repeat mode and i wont mind!! its hoobastank - up and gone! e acoustic version! and delta goodrem - out of the blue!! its sooooo pretty!! why dun they play their mtv?!?! i've never exactly loved a song to this extent! its exciting!! :)
11:21 PM
Friday, May 20, 2005
today,i went for driving! finally!!!! after like a WHOLE month!! i sucked pretty bad!! couldnt lane change properly and couldnt move in first gear without jerking! AND i was stuck at so many junctions and traffic lights!! must hold clutch! hold and hold and hold! its time like these when i wisht there wasnt a clutch! -_-
so tts not wat happened! k after e lesson,me and my sis took e shuttle bus! then there were these 2 guys.. maybe abt 20 plus yrs old? not more than 25 i think! so according to my sis,they were looking at me.. i was in a skirt.. looking and feelin pretty nice! so my reaction was -_-! hehehe! yeah! so it just so happened tt there were 2 empty seats beside where e 2 guys sat! e stoooopid man stuck his leg so far out into e aisle coz his legs r too long! even then,he stuck his leg ALL e way across to e other side! which is where me and my sis wanted to sit! so i had to try to get arnd his annoying leg! -_- yes! then when we reached bukit batok mrt,my sis got off first coz i was sitting at e window seat! then e stooopid leg man stood up and walked when i was abt to get off!! stupid man was too busy talking to his stupid fren to even notice tt I was trying to get off! so i had to stop if not i would have crashed into his stupid self! so then,e stupid fren,who was too busy talking to stupid man,got up too! and my existence didnt seem to be noticed by either of them! -_-!!!!!! stare stare stare! look look look!! when i wanna cross,then cut into my way! BASTARDS! wah! then i was goin up e escalator of e mrt station.. me and my sis went up first! they came later! THEN stare somemore!! i'll JAM a fork into both of ur stoooopid eyes!! DAMN!!
ohhh there was this other guy at e driving center tt i recognised from another incident! also on e bus! ths time i was sittin at e aisle seat.. i was gonna get off e bus already! so i stood up.. then this guy,whom i tot was not bad looking at first,walked straight pass me! didnt even let me go first! wat happened to ladies first?! -_-!!!
AND science park here,has e worst breed of men.. on e bus 92 towards buona vista mrt and ghim moh.. NON of them has EVER been a gentlemen.. there were a few occasions where i had to take tt bus during rush hour,after work.. so everyone gets off at e mrt station.. and i havent come across a guy who would stop and let me off e bus first.. its always,i get up,ready to get off.. and i have to wait for a WHOLE string of men to get off first even though im already STANDING up and ready to go!! Jeeez!!!
and there was this other incident when i was gonna go to e toilet.. there's a narrow walkway and i was trying to get thru it with garrrick.. then!!! this guy,just came out of e guys toilet!! like he was rushing off to somewhere! and he nearly crashed into me!! THEN i had to give way to him!! i was like shocked and trying to siam him!! THEN he didnt say sorry!! THEN he didnt show tt maybe he attempted to avoid me! just chiong out!! its so... WAH LAO!!!
*sigh* wat has happened to local guys?! young and old.. wat happened to gentlemanly men who would hold e door open for u and acknowledge ur existence and e fact tt u r there.. wat happened to giving way girls? actually,i dun think its just a guy must give way to girls thing.. it more like being nice to someone else.. i mean,when u go somewhere with swinging doors,e last thing u want is for e door to slam in ur face! at least hold e door until e person behind u gets hold of it! its a nice thing to do for someone else! i mean,there's no hurry right?! why's ppl always rushing?! ohh yes! rushing!! tts another topic for another day!! anyway, its just holding e door for someone else for wat? 5secs or less?! tt reminds me! there r so many times when i held e door for ppl,and they just treat it like as if e door opened on its own for them!! they COMPLETELY ignored me! clearly e kindness week taught ppl nothing..
so as i was saying,it would be nice and kind for ppl to give way to each other! if u see a guy at his seat,waiting to get off coz no one would let him get off,stop and let him go first.. even though he's a guy.. if not e poor boy will have to wait and wait and wait and wait till everyone gets off before he can move! so sad rite?!
i've always told myself to be nice to ppl.. hold doors for them,let them get off e bus when i see tt they've been waiting for too long,etc.. just be as nice as i can be! but then!! they always let me down!! for sure!! im always nice to not nice ppl who dun appreciate it!! booo.. but ohh well!! im still gonna be nice!! be an exception! :)
so tts not wat happened! k after e lesson,me and my sis took e shuttle bus! then there were these 2 guys.. maybe abt 20 plus yrs old? not more than 25 i think! so according to my sis,they were looking at me.. i was in a skirt.. looking and feelin pretty nice! so my reaction was -_-! hehehe! yeah! so it just so happened tt there were 2 empty seats beside where e 2 guys sat! e stoooopid man stuck his leg so far out into e aisle coz his legs r too long! even then,he stuck his leg ALL e way across to e other side! which is where me and my sis wanted to sit! so i had to try to get arnd his annoying leg! -_- yes! then when we reached bukit batok mrt,my sis got off first coz i was sitting at e window seat! then e stooopid leg man stood up and walked when i was abt to get off!! stupid man was too busy talking to his stupid fren to even notice tt I was trying to get off! so i had to stop if not i would have crashed into his stupid self! so then,e stupid fren,who was too busy talking to stupid man,got up too! and my existence didnt seem to be noticed by either of them! -_-!!!!!! stare stare stare! look look look!! when i wanna cross,then cut into my way! BASTARDS! wah! then i was goin up e escalator of e mrt station.. me and my sis went up first! they came later! THEN stare somemore!! i'll JAM a fork into both of ur stoooopid eyes!! DAMN!!
ohhh there was this other guy at e driving center tt i recognised from another incident! also on e bus! ths time i was sittin at e aisle seat.. i was gonna get off e bus already! so i stood up.. then this guy,whom i tot was not bad looking at first,walked straight pass me! didnt even let me go first! wat happened to ladies first?! -_-!!!
AND science park here,has e worst breed of men.. on e bus 92 towards buona vista mrt and ghim moh.. NON of them has EVER been a gentlemen.. there were a few occasions where i had to take tt bus during rush hour,after work.. so everyone gets off at e mrt station.. and i havent come across a guy who would stop and let me off e bus first.. its always,i get up,ready to get off.. and i have to wait for a WHOLE string of men to get off first even though im already STANDING up and ready to go!! Jeeez!!!
and there was this other incident when i was gonna go to e toilet.. there's a narrow walkway and i was trying to get thru it with garrrick.. then!!! this guy,just came out of e guys toilet!! like he was rushing off to somewhere! and he nearly crashed into me!! THEN i had to give way to him!! i was like shocked and trying to siam him!! THEN he didnt say sorry!! THEN he didnt show tt maybe he attempted to avoid me! just chiong out!! its so... WAH LAO!!!
*sigh* wat has happened to local guys?! young and old.. wat happened to gentlemanly men who would hold e door open for u and acknowledge ur existence and e fact tt u r there.. wat happened to giving way girls? actually,i dun think its just a guy must give way to girls thing.. it more like being nice to someone else.. i mean,when u go somewhere with swinging doors,e last thing u want is for e door to slam in ur face! at least hold e door until e person behind u gets hold of it! its a nice thing to do for someone else! i mean,there's no hurry right?! why's ppl always rushing?! ohh yes! rushing!! tts another topic for another day!! anyway, its just holding e door for someone else for wat? 5secs or less?! tt reminds me! there r so many times when i held e door for ppl,and they just treat it like as if e door opened on its own for them!! they COMPLETELY ignored me! clearly e kindness week taught ppl nothing..
so as i was saying,it would be nice and kind for ppl to give way to each other! if u see a guy at his seat,waiting to get off coz no one would let him get off,stop and let him go first.. even though he's a guy.. if not e poor boy will have to wait and wait and wait and wait till everyone gets off before he can move! so sad rite?!
i've always told myself to be nice to ppl.. hold doors for them,let them get off e bus when i see tt they've been waiting for too long,etc.. just be as nice as i can be! but then!! they always let me down!! for sure!! im always nice to not nice ppl who dun appreciate it!! booo.. but ohh well!! im still gonna be nice!! be an exception! :)
10:31 PM
Thursday, May 19, 2005
17/5 Tuesday:
i met up with garrick,xiyang,jiwei and gwen for dinner!! wow!! it was fun!! hehehe!! its been quite a long time since i saw all of them! we ate and hung out at lido! talked abt lots of things! its NICE!! :)
19/5 Today!:
i went for my first dance prac in at least 10mths! WOW!!!! im tired rite now!! as in abit drained! CLEARLY im not fit AT ALL!!! hehehe!! although there were only 3 ppl, hui me dewi,it was still good! productive!! YAY!!!! cant wait for e next prac!!!
got bug!! near me!! gotta run for cover!!!!
i LOVE all my frens!!! Wheeeeeee!!!
i met up with garrick,xiyang,jiwei and gwen for dinner!! wow!! it was fun!! hehehe!! its been quite a long time since i saw all of them! we ate and hung out at lido! talked abt lots of things! its NICE!! :)
19/5 Today!:
i went for my first dance prac in at least 10mths! WOW!!!! im tired rite now!! as in abit drained! CLEARLY im not fit AT ALL!!! hehehe!! although there were only 3 ppl, hui me dewi,it was still good! productive!! YAY!!!! cant wait for e next prac!!!
got bug!! near me!! gotta run for cover!!!!
i LOVE all my frens!!! Wheeeeeee!!!
11:24 PM
Monday, May 16, 2005
i can NEVER count on ANYONE for ANYTHING.. its been like tt since forever.. NO ONE can EVER do anything with me or for me tts meaningful or potentially life changing..
just to name a few examples.. i cant even get my own sister to stay home with me for an afternoon.. or even 2 hrs when e sun's still shining.. i cant count on my fren to go back to sec sch so i can sign up for relief teaching job.. i cant seem to get ANYONE to go for some fitness thing with me.. pilates,yoga,yogilates,anything.. one thing tt i definitely cannot count on for 10yrs of my life? proper longtime frens who do not judge.. ppl who r not annoying and irrtatingly uncomprehendable.. cant count on anyone to keep pathetic me company..
i've wanted to screw everyone and everything.. ya noe? just heck and live like i was e only in e house or on e face of e earth.. but i cant.. its in my nature to WANT ppl arnd.. i like company of ppl.. ppl i love.. my frens,my family.. i love talking to them.. talking rubbish or stuff tt we feel or think.. but rite now,im feeling more alone than ever.. everyone's got their own thing.. i have NOTHING.. i noe tt i've mentioned before tt im gonna be doing something in e near future.. but e pass few months and e months tt r coming up,r goin to be hard.. and i have a feeling tt when sch starts,im gonna be swarmed with stuff and still feel alone.. alone as in without company.. NOT in need of a boyfren.. everyone's gonna be busy busy busy.. i HATE being alone.. i cant even eat alone.. i feel pathetic..
all my life,i've had ppl tell me or promise me something.. but in e end,they go back on their words.. shall not mention primary sch since i cant remember anything abt it.. sec sch,i've had ppl tell me tt im their best frens.. and awhile later,they tell me they cant accept me.. all my life,i've had ppl tell me 'we shld do this one day..' or 'let's go do tt!' but we never do.. i always hope tt we do.. but we dun.. and all my life i tot it was me.. i tot tt its coz i wasnt e one who 'organises' an outing or an activity.. i tot i was like uninitiative.. i tot it was me.. tot I was e problem.. i still think i am though.. and i have no idea where im goin with watever im saying.. im just spewing watever's on my mind..
WHY AM I SOOOOOOO DEPENDENT ON PPL?!?!?!?!?!
just to name a few examples.. i cant even get my own sister to stay home with me for an afternoon.. or even 2 hrs when e sun's still shining.. i cant count on my fren to go back to sec sch so i can sign up for relief teaching job.. i cant seem to get ANYONE to go for some fitness thing with me.. pilates,yoga,yogilates,anything.. one thing tt i definitely cannot count on for 10yrs of my life? proper longtime frens who do not judge.. ppl who r not annoying and irrtatingly uncomprehendable.. cant count on anyone to keep pathetic me company..
i've wanted to screw everyone and everything.. ya noe? just heck and live like i was e only in e house or on e face of e earth.. but i cant.. its in my nature to WANT ppl arnd.. i like company of ppl.. ppl i love.. my frens,my family.. i love talking to them.. talking rubbish or stuff tt we feel or think.. but rite now,im feeling more alone than ever.. everyone's got their own thing.. i have NOTHING.. i noe tt i've mentioned before tt im gonna be doing something in e near future.. but e pass few months and e months tt r coming up,r goin to be hard.. and i have a feeling tt when sch starts,im gonna be swarmed with stuff and still feel alone.. alone as in without company.. NOT in need of a boyfren.. everyone's gonna be busy busy busy.. i HATE being alone.. i cant even eat alone.. i feel pathetic..
all my life,i've had ppl tell me or promise me something.. but in e end,they go back on their words.. shall not mention primary sch since i cant remember anything abt it.. sec sch,i've had ppl tell me tt im their best frens.. and awhile later,they tell me they cant accept me.. all my life,i've had ppl tell me 'we shld do this one day..' or 'let's go do tt!' but we never do.. i always hope tt we do.. but we dun.. and all my life i tot it was me.. i tot tt its coz i wasnt e one who 'organises' an outing or an activity.. i tot i was like uninitiative.. i tot it was me.. tot I was e problem.. i still think i am though.. and i have no idea where im goin with watever im saying.. im just spewing watever's on my mind..
WHY AM I SOOOOOOO DEPENDENT ON PPL?!?!?!?!?!
9:34 PM
Friday, May 13, 2005
1) i cut me hair! on wed! yes yes! i did! not trim! CUT! like 10cm off!! its nice and shorter! i feel more fun!! hehehe! but apparently,some ppl dun realise it!! boohoo!! but its ok!! ohh! its still surly at e end though! Wheeeee!!
2) i went shopping on mon! just got my pay awhile ago! decided to give myself some money for indulgence! hehehe! and i did! i bought clothes! and i've still got left over money! maybe i'll go buy a bag! or a really nice bohemian skirt im dying to own! :)
3) yesterday,i was suppose to go give tuition! but then when i got there,non of e kids were home! e grandpa told me! so it was a wasted trip! bleh!! i had to call e dad later tt day to reschedule! bleh!!
well,it technically wasnt a wasted trip! i dropped by e library to look for a book! BUT cannot find!! i met garrick after tt for a movie! Kingdom of Heaven!! woohooo!! its a goooood movie! AND orlando is DAMN handsome!! hehehe!! can die sia!!!! so yeah!! bloody! but qutie nice still!!
ohh yes! thanx,garrick! for the great company!! :)
4) today was a boring day for me! stayed home,went to give tuition! then came back home! BLEH!
5) i cant wait for e 20th to come! my next driving lesson! MAN!! so long!! so far away!!! my last lesson was on e 25th! of APRIL!!! DAMN!!! come on!! 7 more days!!!!!!!!!!
6)there r many many movies i wanna watch!!! i wanna watch Madagascar! and Sin City! ohh Sin City!! must go watch!!! MUST!! EVERYONE!! go watch e trailer!!! and i wanna watch Charlie And The Chocolate Factory!! Johnny Depp!! so cute!!! so funny!!
7) i wanna go clubbing!! and to e beach!!! to tan and eat strawberries!! hui!! jessica!!! let's go soon!! yeah yeah?! :)
8) there's this song called Barney's On Fire!! MAN!! it rocks!!! there's actually a song expressing hatred for Barney!! WOohhhoooooo!!!
2) i went shopping on mon! just got my pay awhile ago! decided to give myself some money for indulgence! hehehe! and i did! i bought clothes! and i've still got left over money! maybe i'll go buy a bag! or a really nice bohemian skirt im dying to own! :)
3) yesterday,i was suppose to go give tuition! but then when i got there,non of e kids were home! e grandpa told me! so it was a wasted trip! bleh!! i had to call e dad later tt day to reschedule! bleh!!
well,it technically wasnt a wasted trip! i dropped by e library to look for a book! BUT cannot find!! i met garrick after tt for a movie! Kingdom of Heaven!! woohooo!! its a goooood movie! AND orlando is DAMN handsome!! hehehe!! can die sia!!!! so yeah!! bloody! but qutie nice still!!
ohh yes! thanx,garrick! for the great company!! :)
4) today was a boring day for me! stayed home,went to give tuition! then came back home! BLEH!
5) i cant wait for e 20th to come! my next driving lesson! MAN!! so long!! so far away!!! my last lesson was on e 25th! of APRIL!!! DAMN!!! come on!! 7 more days!!!!!!!!!!
6)there r many many movies i wanna watch!!! i wanna watch Madagascar! and Sin City! ohh Sin City!! must go watch!!! MUST!! EVERYONE!! go watch e trailer!!! and i wanna watch Charlie And The Chocolate Factory!! Johnny Depp!! so cute!!! so funny!!
7) i wanna go clubbing!! and to e beach!!! to tan and eat strawberries!! hui!! jessica!!! let's go soon!! yeah yeah?! :)
8) there's this song called Barney's On Fire!! MAN!! it rocks!!! there's actually a song expressing hatred for Barney!! WOohhhoooooo!!!
8:28 PM
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Ohh my GOSH!!
ladies and gentlemen! this is Jared Padalecki! and he is one of e few actors tt i ADORE! first saw him in Gilmore Girls! k tts not e point! i didnt post his pretty face here to introduce him to e world!
okie! e point is! he has a movie! House of Wax! its a scary,psychotic,thriller,non supernatural movie! i wanna watch it! for him of course!! i've never seen him on e big screen before! so i wanted to go watch his pretty face!! BUT!! ya'll noe i DO NOT watch scary shows! supernatural or not! so i dunno!!!! i scared i get scared!! and i dun like to be scared!! wat if he dies in e show?! i'll cry!! actually,i wont! but i'll just be damn sad!! so shld i go watch?! Paris Hilton's in it! HAH! dun really care abt her lah! but anyway! so shld i?! i dunno!! hmmmm.. hui?! jessica?! garrick?! Te te?! Celine?! anyone?! ;p
if somebody nice asks me,i might just go!! ohh wait! i dunno if i will!! bleh! -_-'
11:15 PM
Monday, May 02, 2005
i was just thinking abt stuff in general.. well,i've had ALOT of time to think abt general stuff.. HAH!
anyways,i realised tt i've changed.. like ALOT!! everything abt me changed! from when i was in sec sch up till now.. which is actually not a very long period of time! my dress sense,my attitude.. my thinking,wat i want,e way i feel.. have all changed! and gladly,they've all changed for e better.. and much more changes are coming up!
let's see.. i realised quite some time ago tt i was extremely childish! even when i was in jc! i was reading e little 'conversations' tt i had with my classmates during lectures! a piece of paper being passed arnd.. everyone writing their tots down or watever they wanna say to each other.. i still have it! :) yes! i was EXTREMELY childish! and im sooooooo glad im not like tt now!! YAY!! and i realised tt i've got an inner diva! YEAP! i refuse to let ANYONE walk all over me! u piss me off,u die! i used to keep everything inside! i used to let ppl use me.. i used to let ppl walk all over me.. i used to tolerate ppl when they're mean to me.. but i noe now,tt i dun let it happen anymore.. i believe in speaking up for myself!! i demand respect.. from ppl.. anyone.. young,old.. guy,girl.. i've had ppl who dun respect me at all.. i've had ppl who do not acknowledge my existance.. but tts it! ENOUGH! no more! i aint no innocent little cutie pie tt everyone says i am! EEEK! ohh yes! and besides having an inner diva,i have an inner ah lian too! which is pretty strange! but its fun! its like a recent trait! so only my sisters noe abt it! hahaha!
i was talking to jessica some time ago.. and talking to her made me realised tt all my life,i havent been appreciated by anyone! and i also realised tt alot of ppl feel e same too! strange! and no one so far has been proud of me for anything tt i've done! i did extremely well in sec sch,but my parents made me feel like it was no biggie! in jc,i love dance! i did well in dance! but they werent supportive! i can sing relatively well! but then! they never bothered! teachers in sec sch,in jc.. never told me i was good at anything.. they were never supportive.. they were never encouraging.. *sigh* only my sisters and a couple of frens r supportive of me.. and character wise,it was e same.. im cheery and sometimes a little insane.. but only a handful of ppl were truely appreciative of tt.. i think coz of all tt,i've got no confidence.. no one made me feel like i was good for anything.. no one made me feel like i was worth anything.. like watever i did or said didnt mean anything.. i felt sooooo minute.. so teeny weeny.. watever i did,i didnt think i was gonna be good at it.. coz i noe all along,ppl arnd me didnt think anything of me.. they didnt think anything of me last time and they wont think anything of me now.. so wat's e point.. i may be proud of something,but ppl arnd me dun give a flying rat's ass abt wat i have done or achieved..
and i used to do things to please ppl.. i never did anything coz i liked it.. e only thing i can think of is dance.. dance was my thing.. i went for it coz i love it.. in sec sch,i think i studied so hard and got fantastic results coz i knew tt my parents would be happy abt it.. in sec sch,i behaved in a way where ppl will ost probably like it.. i was never myself inm sec sch.. i was always trying to be someone else.. i always wanted to accepted.. i couldnt of course! i always felt out of place.. i always felt different.. and at tt time,i hated it.. i hated being diff! i wanted to fit inwith ppl.. even when i went for sec sch gatherings,i would put in effort to look 'cool'.. i could go and try so hard to be accepted.. but in e end,not only did i fail,i felt gross! i hated myself for being someone else! and i'd beat myself for not being me! why cant i just be myself?! wat am i trying to prove?! who am i trying to impress?! aiyoh!! i never felt comfortable at ANY if my sec sch gatherings! even in jc,i was diff from my classmates.. i can feel it! i love my girls! but im just diff somehow! and even then,i was still trying to prove something! e only plae i actually felt comfortable was in dance! somehow,everything felt rite!! i could be my cheery insane self and for once ppl laughed with me and not at me! they didnt judge and say stuff like 'wah she xiao!' or something! i finally felt appreciated! it made me love dance even more! dance changed soooo much for me! gave me something to do which i was extremely passionate abt! gave me great frens tt i wanna keep for life! gave me confidence! gave me something i was truely proud of! and ppl who were proud of wat i was doing! everyone was proud of one another for tt terrific performance! my choreographer was proud of us when we nailed an item! my teachers in charge was proud of all of us when we managed to get e concert tix all sold out! zaki and mrs chia and ms sab were all proud of us for syf! and they r all still proud of us!! thank goodness for dance!!!! :)
i was soo lost after 'A's! didnt wat to do! didnt noe where to go! i stayed hung in mid air for like a yr plus plus plus?! while everyone was studying,i was working at subway! while everyone was still studying,i was and i am doing nothing! i achieved nothing since i left jc! ooooooo! my my! i have been doing nothing for as long as i can remember! but tt is all gonna change! im gonna sign up for nie and i HAVE to be accepted! moe's gonna say yes to my application!! i have to make them say yes!!! i MUST!! im not gonna sit arnd and do nothing anymore!! e most,i'll continue doing nothing for e next 2 mths! but after tt,im goin to nie to start my training! die die also must!!!
i can feel myself growing up with everything i do,every decision i make! like e nie thing.. im goin to start making my own money! and start to be really independent! plus im gonna be getting my driver's license soon! i hope i get it!! like next mth!! i'll have to many things to deal with! i recently decided to pay for my own phone bill! and when i get my license,i'll have to pay for petrol and all.. new responsibilities! i like it! although i noe tt im most probably gonna be damn stressed from studying,i dun care!! i'd rather be stressed from work then be stressed abt wat im gonna go with all e free time!!! hehe! im looking forward to tt! im looking forward to starting sch again soon! im excited abt having new responsibilities and stress!!! for once,stress is gooooood!! i wanna be doing hw in my spare time! or having dinner with my family or have short and extremely meaningful meet-ups or meals with my frens!!
and now,i've decided to do things for me! and myself! not be selfish lah! but e next time i go for some gathering,im gonna be myself! im not gonna be someone im not.. im not gonna try to prove anything! im gonna be me! if they like it,YAY! if they dun,screw em! HAH! AND im gonna be e best i can be! it doesnt matter if ppl arnd me r not proud of me or watever! as long as im proud of myself and i DO NOT disappoint myself,its all good! i answer only to myself! i dun have to prove myself to anyone! its a good feeling! feeling like tt is gooooood!! i never tot i could feel like tt! i always tot i was nobody! but im not nobody! im gonna be a teacher! a damn good one! im gonna be a funky teacher! wear funky clothes! have nice hair! ultra accessorized!! high heel wearing teacher!! hehehe!! one day!! im gonna wear a pretty flowy short dress with stiletto pumps and a nice lil straw bag!! HELL YEAH!!
i guess all e changes came abt coz of e ppl! e frens i have arnd me!! ppl arnd me helped me grow! they gave me and were a part of experiences tt changed me! good or bad experiences! nice or horrible ppl!! if i didnt meet e ppl tt i have met, and if i hadnt gone thru e things tt i have gone thru,i wouldnt be e person tt i am today! i feel really good now!!!! WOW!!! i havent felt this good in like EVER!! hehehe!! :)
thank u,hui! thank u,jessica! for being me wonderful girlfrens! thank u,te te! thank u,celine! for being my crazy gal pals at home! thank u for believing in me and making me feel like i can be more than i am! thank u for letting me be who i am! thank u for being there for me!! where would i be without all of u?!?!? *big huzgzies!!* :)
anyways,i realised tt i've changed.. like ALOT!! everything abt me changed! from when i was in sec sch up till now.. which is actually not a very long period of time! my dress sense,my attitude.. my thinking,wat i want,e way i feel.. have all changed! and gladly,they've all changed for e better.. and much more changes are coming up!
let's see.. i realised quite some time ago tt i was extremely childish! even when i was in jc! i was reading e little 'conversations' tt i had with my classmates during lectures! a piece of paper being passed arnd.. everyone writing their tots down or watever they wanna say to each other.. i still have it! :) yes! i was EXTREMELY childish! and im sooooooo glad im not like tt now!! YAY!! and i realised tt i've got an inner diva! YEAP! i refuse to let ANYONE walk all over me! u piss me off,u die! i used to keep everything inside! i used to let ppl use me.. i used to let ppl walk all over me.. i used to tolerate ppl when they're mean to me.. but i noe now,tt i dun let it happen anymore.. i believe in speaking up for myself!! i demand respect.. from ppl.. anyone.. young,old.. guy,girl.. i've had ppl who dun respect me at all.. i've had ppl who do not acknowledge my existance.. but tts it! ENOUGH! no more! i aint no innocent little cutie pie tt everyone says i am! EEEK! ohh yes! and besides having an inner diva,i have an inner ah lian too! which is pretty strange! but its fun! its like a recent trait! so only my sisters noe abt it! hahaha!
i was talking to jessica some time ago.. and talking to her made me realised tt all my life,i havent been appreciated by anyone! and i also realised tt alot of ppl feel e same too! strange! and no one so far has been proud of me for anything tt i've done! i did extremely well in sec sch,but my parents made me feel like it was no biggie! in jc,i love dance! i did well in dance! but they werent supportive! i can sing relatively well! but then! they never bothered! teachers in sec sch,in jc.. never told me i was good at anything.. they were never supportive.. they were never encouraging.. *sigh* only my sisters and a couple of frens r supportive of me.. and character wise,it was e same.. im cheery and sometimes a little insane.. but only a handful of ppl were truely appreciative of tt.. i think coz of all tt,i've got no confidence.. no one made me feel like i was good for anything.. no one made me feel like i was worth anything.. like watever i did or said didnt mean anything.. i felt sooooo minute.. so teeny weeny.. watever i did,i didnt think i was gonna be good at it.. coz i noe all along,ppl arnd me didnt think anything of me.. they didnt think anything of me last time and they wont think anything of me now.. so wat's e point.. i may be proud of something,but ppl arnd me dun give a flying rat's ass abt wat i have done or achieved..
and i used to do things to please ppl.. i never did anything coz i liked it.. e only thing i can think of is dance.. dance was my thing.. i went for it coz i love it.. in sec sch,i think i studied so hard and got fantastic results coz i knew tt my parents would be happy abt it.. in sec sch,i behaved in a way where ppl will ost probably like it.. i was never myself inm sec sch.. i was always trying to be someone else.. i always wanted to accepted.. i couldnt of course! i always felt out of place.. i always felt different.. and at tt time,i hated it.. i hated being diff! i wanted to fit inwith ppl.. even when i went for sec sch gatherings,i would put in effort to look 'cool'.. i could go and try so hard to be accepted.. but in e end,not only did i fail,i felt gross! i hated myself for being someone else! and i'd beat myself for not being me! why cant i just be myself?! wat am i trying to prove?! who am i trying to impress?! aiyoh!! i never felt comfortable at ANY if my sec sch gatherings! even in jc,i was diff from my classmates.. i can feel it! i love my girls! but im just diff somehow! and even then,i was still trying to prove something! e only plae i actually felt comfortable was in dance! somehow,everything felt rite!! i could be my cheery insane self and for once ppl laughed with me and not at me! they didnt judge and say stuff like 'wah she xiao!' or something! i finally felt appreciated! it made me love dance even more! dance changed soooo much for me! gave me something to do which i was extremely passionate abt! gave me great frens tt i wanna keep for life! gave me confidence! gave me something i was truely proud of! and ppl who were proud of wat i was doing! everyone was proud of one another for tt terrific performance! my choreographer was proud of us when we nailed an item! my teachers in charge was proud of all of us when we managed to get e concert tix all sold out! zaki and mrs chia and ms sab were all proud of us for syf! and they r all still proud of us!! thank goodness for dance!!!! :)
i was soo lost after 'A's! didnt wat to do! didnt noe where to go! i stayed hung in mid air for like a yr plus plus plus?! while everyone was studying,i was working at subway! while everyone was still studying,i was and i am doing nothing! i achieved nothing since i left jc! ooooooo! my my! i have been doing nothing for as long as i can remember! but tt is all gonna change! im gonna sign up for nie and i HAVE to be accepted! moe's gonna say yes to my application!! i have to make them say yes!!! i MUST!! im not gonna sit arnd and do nothing anymore!! e most,i'll continue doing nothing for e next 2 mths! but after tt,im goin to nie to start my training! die die also must!!!
i can feel myself growing up with everything i do,every decision i make! like e nie thing.. im goin to start making my own money! and start to be really independent! plus im gonna be getting my driver's license soon! i hope i get it!! like next mth!! i'll have to many things to deal with! i recently decided to pay for my own phone bill! and when i get my license,i'll have to pay for petrol and all.. new responsibilities! i like it! although i noe tt im most probably gonna be damn stressed from studying,i dun care!! i'd rather be stressed from work then be stressed abt wat im gonna go with all e free time!!! hehe! im looking forward to tt! im looking forward to starting sch again soon! im excited abt having new responsibilities and stress!!! for once,stress is gooooood!! i wanna be doing hw in my spare time! or having dinner with my family or have short and extremely meaningful meet-ups or meals with my frens!!
and now,i've decided to do things for me! and myself! not be selfish lah! but e next time i go for some gathering,im gonna be myself! im not gonna be someone im not.. im not gonna try to prove anything! im gonna be me! if they like it,YAY! if they dun,screw em! HAH! AND im gonna be e best i can be! it doesnt matter if ppl arnd me r not proud of me or watever! as long as im proud of myself and i DO NOT disappoint myself,its all good! i answer only to myself! i dun have to prove myself to anyone! its a good feeling! feeling like tt is gooooood!! i never tot i could feel like tt! i always tot i was nobody! but im not nobody! im gonna be a teacher! a damn good one! im gonna be a funky teacher! wear funky clothes! have nice hair! ultra accessorized!! high heel wearing teacher!! hehehe!! one day!! im gonna wear a pretty flowy short dress with stiletto pumps and a nice lil straw bag!! HELL YEAH!!
i guess all e changes came abt coz of e ppl! e frens i have arnd me!! ppl arnd me helped me grow! they gave me and were a part of experiences tt changed me! good or bad experiences! nice or horrible ppl!! if i didnt meet e ppl tt i have met, and if i hadnt gone thru e things tt i have gone thru,i wouldnt be e person tt i am today! i feel really good now!!!! WOW!!! i havent felt this good in like EVER!! hehehe!! :)
thank u,hui! thank u,jessica! for being me wonderful girlfrens! thank u,te te! thank u,celine! for being my crazy gal pals at home! thank u for believing in me and making me feel like i can be more than i am! thank u for letting me be who i am! thank u for being there for me!! where would i be without all of u?!?!? *big huzgzies!!* :)
4:39 PM
My hair!!! My poor poor hair!! my pretty pretty hair!!!!!!! =..(
yes yes! my hair is DESTROYED!! e ends of my hair,like at least 10cm of it,is FRIED! yes yes! FRIED!!!!!! its like dry and twirling wrong!! its all frizzy!! my once pretty hair is... not pretty anymore!! i gotta go have e last 10cm of my hair CHOPPED off!! yes yes!! its nice and smooth and normal at e roots and its like SHIT at e ends!!!! WHY?!?!??!
is it coz of all e smoke in e club tt day?! or it it coz of e insane weather lately?! WHY OHH WHY OHH WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! i wan it fixed!! sooooo bad!!!!!
yes yes! my hair is DESTROYED!! e ends of my hair,like at least 10cm of it,is FRIED! yes yes! FRIED!!!!!! its like dry and twirling wrong!! its all frizzy!! my once pretty hair is... not pretty anymore!! i gotta go have e last 10cm of my hair CHOPPED off!! yes yes!! its nice and smooth and normal at e roots and its like SHIT at e ends!!!! WHY?!?!??!
is it coz of all e smoke in e club tt day?! or it it coz of e insane weather lately?! WHY OHH WHY OHH WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! i wan it fixed!! sooooo bad!!!!!
12:27 AM