sometimes, i feel small. i feel like im nothing. i feel like the world or (smaller) the people around me will not do any different if i wasnt around. don't worry. im not suicidal. im just thinking about some stuff.
some issues have come up. and i voice my opinion. but im not heard. its a long story. or rather,i just don't want to go into details about it. when actual issues come up,i want to be involved, i want to speak up. coz i can handle it, i know i can. or i can work with people to make things better. but im not given the chance to.
i cant blame the people who will not give me the chance. i have to blame me. for keeping myself away all the time. i've been given opportunities to stand up for what i believe in, to say what im feeling and to take on responsibilities. but i was too shy. and i was scared. scared of people making judgements about me. im afraid of what people will think of me. but that was then. and im not like that now.
i don't care anymore. i dont want to hide in one corner and let others do the things i have to do for me. i dont want to hide behind people anymore. i want to take on more responsibilities because others feel that i can. i wanna be able to say what i want to say without feeling like im gonna be judged. even if someone were to be judgemental and annoying. so be it. i dont care. i dont want to care. its ALOT easier said than done man. im getting there, but im still working on it.
and about this ongoing issue which im not included in,i was upset about it before. but i decided that its ok. people dont know that i've changed. im learning to step out of the shadow. im learning to feel empowered to do things for myself and be the best that i can be. and i guess people will realise one day that im not who i used to be. coz i didn't like who i was. oops!
don't wanna feel small anymore. dont want to be a mouse anymore. i dont want to hide anymore. i dont want to be scared and embarrassed about who i am anymore.
~*~i see you and i get angry.
i see you and im reminded of the way you used to treat me and i totally did not deserve it.
i see you and i remember that you hold the record to giving me the WORST birthday in the history of my life.
i see you and im reminded of the time i wasted on you.
*sigh* im pissed with you. i detest you. i dont like the person you've become coz i dont know you anymore and it makes me wonder why you were even in my life.
im not angry with you coz im still in love with you. (EEew NO!)
so i dont understand why im still mad at you. when your name is mentioned,im reminded of everything. when i see you, im reminded of everything. and i cant live my life being angry at you. i cant live my life being afraid of seeing you on the streets.
you dont look like you're affected by my presence. i dont mean anything to you anymore. and neither do you mean anything to me. so why am i still angry with you?! why do i not want to see you?! why do i detest you so much?! are you so terrible a person now for me to hate? why do i even care?! why am i affected by you? Fuck.
