i was just thinking abt stuff in general.. well,i've had ALOT of time to think abt general stuff.. HAH!
anyways,i realised tt i've changed.. like ALOT!! everything abt me changed! from when i was in sec sch up till now.. which is actually not a very long period of time! my dress sense,my attitude.. my thinking,wat i want,e way i feel.. have all changed! and gladly,they've all changed for e better.. and much more changes are coming up!
let's see.. i realised quite some time ago tt i was extremely childish! even when i was in jc! i was reading e little 'conversations' tt i had with my classmates during lectures! a piece of paper being passed arnd.. everyone writing their tots down or watever they wanna say to each other.. i still have it! :) yes! i was EXTREMELY childish! and im sooooooo glad im not like tt now!! YAY!! and i realised tt i've got an inner diva! YEAP! i refuse to let ANYONE walk all over me! u piss me off,u die! i used to keep everything inside! i used to let ppl use me.. i used to let ppl walk all over me.. i used to tolerate ppl when they're mean to me.. but i noe now,tt i dun let it happen anymore.. i believe in speaking up for myself!! i demand respect.. from ppl.. anyone.. young,old.. guy,girl.. i've had ppl who dun respect me at all.. i've had ppl who do not acknowledge my existance.. but tts it! ENOUGH! no more! i aint no innocent little cutie pie tt everyone says i am! EEEK! ohh yes! and besides having an inner diva,i have an inner ah lian too! which is pretty strange! but its fun! its like a recent trait! so only my sisters noe abt it! hahaha!
i was talking to jessica some time ago.. and talking to her made me realised tt all my life,i havent been appreciated by anyone! and i also realised tt alot of ppl feel e same too! strange! and no one so far has been proud of me for anything tt i've done! i did extremely well in sec sch,but my parents made me feel like it was no biggie! in jc,i love dance! i did well in dance! but they werent supportive! i can sing relatively well! but then! they never bothered! teachers in sec sch,in jc.. never told me i was good at anything.. they were never supportive.. they were never encouraging.. *sigh* only my sisters and a couple of frens r supportive of me.. and character wise,it was e same.. im cheery and sometimes a little insane.. but only a handful of ppl were truely appreciative of tt.. i think coz of all tt,i've got no confidence.. no one made me feel like i was good for anything.. no one made me feel like i was worth anything.. like watever i did or said didnt mean anything.. i felt sooooo minute.. so teeny weeny.. watever i did,i didnt think i was gonna be good at it.. coz i noe all along,ppl arnd me didnt think anything of me.. they didnt think anything of me last time and they wont think anything of me now.. so wat's e point.. i may be proud of something,but ppl arnd me dun give a flying rat's ass abt wat i have done or achieved..
and i used to do things to please ppl.. i never did anything coz i liked it.. e only thing i can think of is dance.. dance was my thing.. i went for it coz i love it.. in sec sch,i think i studied so hard and got fantastic results coz i knew tt my parents would be happy abt it.. in sec sch,i behaved in a way where ppl will ost probably like it.. i was never myself inm sec sch.. i was always trying to be someone else.. i always wanted to accepted.. i couldnt of course! i always felt out of place.. i always felt different.. and at tt time,i hated it.. i hated being diff! i wanted to fit inwith ppl.. even when i went for sec sch gatherings,i would put in effort to look 'cool'.. i could go and try so hard to be accepted.. but in e end,not only did i fail,i felt gross! i hated myself for being someone else! and i'd beat myself for not being me! why cant i just be myself?! wat am i trying to prove?! who am i trying to impress?! aiyoh!! i never felt comfortable at ANY if my sec sch gatherings! even in jc,i was diff from my classmates.. i can feel it! i love my girls! but im just diff somehow! and even then,i was still trying to prove something! e only plae i actually felt comfortable was in dance! somehow,everything felt rite!! i could be my cheery insane self and for once ppl laughed with me and not at me! they didnt judge and say stuff like 'wah she xiao!' or something! i finally felt appreciated! it made me love dance even more! dance changed soooo much for me! gave me something to do which i was extremely passionate abt! gave me great frens tt i wanna keep for life! gave me confidence! gave me something i was truely proud of! and ppl who were proud of wat i was doing! everyone was proud of one another for tt terrific performance! my choreographer was proud of us when we nailed an item! my teachers in charge was proud of all of us when we managed to get e concert tix all sold out! zaki and mrs chia and ms sab were all proud of us for syf! and they r all still proud of us!! thank goodness for dance!!!! :)
i was soo lost after 'A's! didnt wat to do! didnt noe where to go! i stayed hung in mid air for like a yr plus plus plus?! while everyone was studying,i was working at subway! while everyone was still studying,i was and i am doing nothing! i achieved nothing since i left jc! ooooooo! my my! i have been doing nothing for as long as i can remember! but tt is all gonna change! im gonna sign up for nie and i HAVE to be accepted! moe's gonna say yes to my application!! i have to make them say yes!!! i MUST!! im not gonna sit arnd and do nothing anymore!! e most,i'll continue doing nothing for e next 2 mths! but after tt,im goin to nie to start my training! die die also must!!!
i can feel myself growing up with everything i do,every decision i make! like e nie thing.. im goin to start making my own money! and start to be really independent! plus im gonna be getting my driver's license soon! i hope i get it!! like next mth!! i'll have to many things to deal with! i recently decided to pay for my own phone bill! and when i get my license,i'll have to pay for petrol and all.. new responsibilities! i like it! although i noe tt im most probably gonna be damn stressed from studying,i dun care!! i'd rather be stressed from work then be stressed abt wat im gonna go with all e free time!!! hehe! im looking forward to tt! im looking forward to starting sch again soon! im excited abt having new responsibilities and stress!!! for once,stress is gooooood!! i wanna be doing hw in my spare time! or having dinner with my family or have short and extremely meaningful meet-ups or meals with my frens!!
and now,i've decided to do things for me! and myself! not be selfish lah! but e next time i go for some gathering,im gonna be myself! im not gonna be someone im not.. im not gonna try to prove anything! im gonna be me! if they like it,YAY! if they dun,screw em! HAH! AND im gonna be e best i can be! it doesnt matter if ppl arnd me r not proud of me or watever! as long as im proud of myself and i DO NOT disappoint myself,its all good! i answer only to myself! i dun have to prove myself to anyone! its a good feeling! feeling like tt is gooooood!! i never tot i could feel like tt! i always tot i was nobody! but im not nobody! im gonna be a teacher! a damn good one! im gonna be a funky teacher! wear funky clothes! have nice hair! ultra accessorized!! high heel wearing teacher!! hehehe!! one day!! im gonna wear a pretty flowy short dress with stiletto pumps and a nice lil straw bag!! HELL YEAH!!
i guess all e changes came abt coz of e ppl! e frens i have arnd me!! ppl arnd me helped me grow! they gave me and were a part of experiences tt changed me! good or bad experiences! nice or horrible ppl!! if i didnt meet e ppl tt i have met, and if i hadnt gone thru e things tt i have gone thru,i wouldnt be e person tt i am today! i feel really good now!!!! WOW!!! i havent felt this good in like EVER!! hehehe!! :)
thank u,hui! thank u,jessica! for being me wonderful girlfrens! thank u,te te! thank u,celine! for being my crazy gal pals at home! thank u for believing in me and making me feel like i can be more than i am! thank u for letting me be who i am! thank u for being there for me!! where would i be without all of u?!?!? *big huzgzies!!* :)
