I haven't felt so down and so negative in awhile. I was just thinking the other day that maybe I'm finally able to cope with my intense frustration and anger. And I thought I was done hating myself. But I guess I spoke to soon.

I went from feeling good about myself, being motivated to work and being positive despite all the work that I had, to the complete opposite. I became extremely negative, unmotivated and discouraged in 3 days.

In that 3 days, I broke down twice because I had this stupid voice in my head telling me how much I suck, how much of a loser I am and that I can't do anything right, even the simplest of things. I didn't actually believe the voice in my head because I knew I could handle whatever it is I had to do. But that damn voice just won't shut up.

It got really bad and all I wanted to do was hit my head so I will pass out, pull my hair and claw at myself. Anything to distract myself. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I wanted to get up and do work or go to sleep, but I couldn't. All I could do was sit, stare into space and wallow in my own self-hate until I couldn't take it anymore.

I don't know why it gets so extreme. It's kind of scary actually. I was telling my sister that my negativity can intensify really fast, which makes it even harder for me to deal with because I have no idea when that moment comes.

I have got to find a coping mechanism...