I think this is by far, the most sleep deprived I've been. Slept at 4.30am and woke up at 9am this morning. Me and my stupid, emo and slow self...

And I've got class later. I'm tempted to skip it, go home, and sleep. But I don't think I should because its a Finance class. I'm lost enough as it is and I only skipped one half of the class before. If I miss anymore, I'll be in an even bigger pile of mess and confusion. So I should just suck it up and go huh?

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I'm so out of touch with so many things! I haven't watched a movie since... I can't even remember when... I haven't practiced piano properly in 10,000 years. I haven't played guitar in 10,000,000 years. I bought a guitar stand recently and displayed it 'proudly' in my living room. Then I realised that it's such a disgrace because I can't even play properly :/

I feel like a complete and total mess. I don't know what to do to pick myself up. I almost don't want to do anything and just allow myself to rot and rot and rot.....

'But I'd find greater comfort, if I just lay down and died...'

I haven't felt so down and so negative in awhile. I was just thinking the other day that maybe I'm finally able to cope with my intense frustration and anger. And I thought I was done hating myself. But I guess I spoke to soon.

I went from feeling good about myself, being motivated to work and being positive despite all the work that I had, to the complete opposite. I became extremely negative, unmotivated and discouraged in 3 days.

In that 3 days, I broke down twice because I had this stupid voice in my head telling me how much I suck, how much of a loser I am and that I can't do anything right, even the simplest of things. I didn't actually believe the voice in my head because I knew I could handle whatever it is I had to do. But that damn voice just won't shut up.

It got really bad and all I wanted to do was hit my head so I will pass out, pull my hair and claw at myself. Anything to distract myself. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I wanted to get up and do work or go to sleep, but I couldn't. All I could do was sit, stare into space and wallow in my own self-hate until I couldn't take it anymore.

I don't know why it gets so extreme. It's kind of scary actually. I was telling my sister that my negativity can intensify really fast, which makes it even harder for me to deal with because I have no idea when that moment comes.

I have got to find a coping mechanism...