Just the other day, I had some sort of a breakdown. Again.. A different kind of breakdown from what I usually get. That day, I had waves of emotional breakdown. I would sit and suddenly, I would just cry. There'll be this sudden and intense sadness and I would just cry. It has never happened like that before. I got a little shocked myself. It wasn't until later in the day that I found out why I was so upset.

I suddenly had doubts about myself. About my personality and about my abilities. Everyone wants to do great things in life and I'm no exception. But then I thought: Maybe I'm not actually as capable as I think I am. Maybe I will end up living a life that I'm trying hard to avoid. Maybe I won't be able to achieve what I want. Maybe I'm going to end up working in an office without windows. *gulp* Cliche saying: I want to live the life that I want to live and be the person I want to be. Surround myself with (non-materialistic) things that I love. Like music and dance, food, fabulous friends and family and have tons of travel memories, etc etc. But I felt like maybe I can't do all of that. I'm going to graduate from SIM, work in some crap ass company and live a terribly mundane life. That will be my biggest nightmare.

People will tell me 'No la! Won't one..' But will one lor. If I don't believe in it myself. That's the thing I realised. It's not that easy to be self-assured and be consistently motivated to strive for what you want. It can be quite tiring after awhile. I had this mentality that I don't need reassurance from people or I don't need people to believe in me. But I do. I realised that I'm constantly hoping for people to compliment me. And it does help your morale a whole lot if you had someone who believes that you are not ordinary. I'm not saying that I don't, but I have certain dreams that are not exactly supported by the people in my life. And for some reason, I keep thinking that I can't do it! I just keep thinking that I need people to tell me constantly, 'You can do it one!' I told myself not to rely on others but sometimes I really don't believe that I can live up to my own dreams. *throws up*

I'm almost having a battle with myself. A part of me is trying to be everything that I want to be. But the other part is bringing me down and making me doubt myself.. Why like that? -_-


On a lighter note, I passed my exams! And in my opinion, I passed relatively well. I'm very suprised that I did better than I expected. *confetti for self*