nowadays,waking up is a chore for me.. i've got no drive.. no motivation.. nothing to look forward to when i wake up in e morning.. it has gone to e point where i dun even feel like waking up in e morning coz there's nothing for me anyway.. e only reason i even wake up,is I Have To.. i cant sleep e whole day.. sleep my life away.. rite now,i wanna sleep.. sleep and not wake up.. i havent felt like this in so long.. anger,frustration,thoughtless,bored..
i wake up every morning,angry.. i wanna scold everything.. i scold everything.. e first word tt comes to my mind every morning: Fuck.. 'fuck e table..' 'fuck breakfast..' 'fuck i have nothing to do..' 'fuck bacon & eggs' im angry at everything,everyone.. with or without a reason.. and i dun even noe how i can wake up every morning and feel soooo fucking angry.. i have no idea how i even became this way..
i've got fucking dark circles tt refuses to go away.. i feel fucking lazy.. i desperately wanna do something but i cant seem to get my ass off of watever im sitting or lying on to go do it.. i havent been exercising.. i havent been moving alot.. i feel like fucking jelly.. i havent been thinking abt anything.. its like i can donate my brain to somebody already..
it seems like no matter wat i do,i still feel tired.. i still feel lazy.. i still have fucking dark cirlces.. my eyes feel permanently tired and swollen.. i feel like i look fucking haggered.. and i have no idea wat to do abt everything..
i've slept early.. and woken up early.. i've given myself sufficient amt of sleep.. i've bought myself eye cream.. i've found things to do.. like tuition.. learning e guitar.. reading.. driving.. and i've got an earring business tts still developing.. but something still feels missing..
FUCK E POP UPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i cant live my life without a goal and an aim or a drive.. i cant.. I DID NOT SEARCH FOR FUCKING CASINOS!!!!! i wanna be in sch.. i wanna do hw.. i wanna have assignments.. i wanna have a CCA.. i dun even mind being sleep deprived!! i wanna be a part of a FUCKING sch!! i dun wanna live my life like this..
wat i do in a week.. stay home,tuition,stay home,tuition,etc,etc,etc.... now,even tuition doesnt give me e drive.. i love tutoring i do.. i love my student! she's cute as a doll.. and i've tried applying for more tutoring jobs.. but i dun get them.. why? coz i dun have experience.. i got no FUCKING experience.. DAMN IT! i'll NEVER have experience if no one gives me a chance to try!!!! FUCK U ALL!!!!!!!! _l_
when i feel lazy or tired or watever,i've tried telling myself 'its ok.. sleep early tonight and wake up nice and early tmr morning.. tmr's a new day and a fresh start..' yeah rite.. NEVER turns out tt way..
i envy my tired and sleep deprived frens.. frens who r in sch and swamped with projects,hw and meetings.. its tiring yes.. but it definitely beats staying home all day,rotting and being completely aimless.. ppl tell me.. 'ohh my god! so lucky! u get all e time in e world to do watever u wan!' HAHAHAHAHA!! no way! wat's e point if wat u want is to belong somewhere.. use ur brain.. complete assignments and meet deadlines.. take watever free time u have to meet up with ur busy frens to catch up and have coffee.. be somebody and do something besides nothing.. i cant meet my frens.. i noe they're all busy.. i noe they all have exams to focus on right now..
*sigh* i've never felt sooo alone.. no one can help me.. no one can tell me.. 'there! do this..' or 'here's something for u to do..' or 'ohh hey! i've planned ur life for u! see how u like it!' NO.. no one can tell me wat to do next.. only me..
I have to think abt wat
I wanna do next.. wat
I wanna do with my life..
I have to find my own motivation and drive..
